I am tired. — Honestly I don’t even know what the point of this blog will be, but I’ll just go on and write. Maybe someone will understand.

I’m not about to say that this year is a bad year because there has been worth, but somehow I feel tired. I’m good but at the same time I’m not sure if I am.
All I wanna do is art. — Of course no one ever said it was going to be easy and I’m not complaining about the fact that nothing happens overnight.
Probably I should be grateful. I got a side job, one that I can’t complain about, so that in the meantime I can focus on doing what I love and working on various projects.
You know this feeling of working against yourself instead of moving forward?
It feels like I am stuck. Stuck in … overthinking? Maybe. It sounds weird but all I wanna do is create art, write poems and stories, edit videos, share it with the world. I want to spent time in nature without having to worry about every detail I should to in the meantime. All I want is to live. Have fun and work to live instead of living to work, as a friend described it well last week. Can you understand what that means?
I am not unhappy, just probably unfulfilled and it kind of sucks. Confusion sucks.
I’m sharing this because somehow maybe I hope that I’m not alone feeling this way.
23. A friend from the academy which we both went to and I had a discussion shortly after graduating about how even the thought of having to work in a regular job kind of pulls us down. If you love what you’re doing than you’ll have enough reasons to love your job, right? Sure. It’s just about finding the things that you love. So why am I stuck? Again all I want is to create and enjoy life even when the brain is kicking in really hard. This year is so weird because I know what I want but also it seems like I don’t.
It’s not like I don’t want to work and again I should be grateful, because there has been progresses over the year. They clearly are visible. But at the same time it feels like I’ve locked myself up in cage, lost the keys and can’t get out of it any more. I want to work for something that has meaning to me, for something that makes sense. Nothing makes me happier than spending days on an artwork to see people interpret it in so many ways, to them smile or even cry and how it even helps them go through hard times.

When captured birds grow wiser, they try to open the cage with their beaks. They don’t give up, because they want to fly again. ~ Masashi Kishimoto (Author of Naruto)

When I was younger this quote inspired me a lot and it still does. Though somehow it feels harder than thought. What is keeping me from moving?
I’m sure I will make it and maybe I have to go through this to grow, still it sucks not to be sure what is going on with oneself. Is anyone here reading this experiencing similar feelings? (If you feel in a similar way than know that you are not alone.)
Does anyone even understand the problem hiding behind those words?

What was the point writing this blog post. Who knows?
Anyway this is it for today. Have a great day! ♥

I am a sloth. No seriously the last weeks have been quiet on this blog.

To be honest with you the last months felt like roller coasters. I had a mini job which I quit because of a few reasons which I’m not going to complain about here. I don’t know if it’s because I’m still young which is why I struggle with having a job so much or if it’s a general thing. The mere thought of having a job makes me extremely unhappy and miserable. You’ll probably tell me not to complain about it or something like that which I can understand, but see I was never someone who wanted to do this one thing for the rest of my life. I studied Illustration and Graphic Design which was amazing and to be honest with you this school knew that a lot of us were planning on becoming self-employed. I love making illustration, doing art and also designing — yes! — but also do I love writing poetry or editing videos. For me having a mini job or a part-time job is for the purpose of paying insurances etc. but somehow having a job is tiring me out so much. All I want is to do what I love. Why am I telling you this? Because talking about it made me realize that in my surroundings there were others having similar feelings and maybe you can relate too, also did help me to get to know myself better.

I’ve been running in circles for months now and I still don’t know how to deal with it. So if there’s anyone self-employed or someone who struggled with similar problems out there reading this then you’re welcome to give me some advice or tell me about how you did it.

Actually the lasts months surprised me. I got three storyboards in commission two of

them are for the same person. There was a flyer to do. I had an exhibition with now three upcoming ones. There’s eventually a collaboration coming up and I mean things are slowly building up. But I don’t know what to do about the mini-job or part-time job because it feels so wrong. It’s really depressing.
Do you have any advice on how I could still do it?

Next upload will be more uplifting I swear but right now I’m really stuck. This is it and as I said you’re welcome to give some advice or tell me your story.

Have a great day. And whatever happens enjoy your life. All you can do is learn from up and downs and grow. You’re loved.