20.09.2019 – “All I wanna do is making art.”

I am tired. — Honestly I don’t even know what the point of this blog will be, but I’ll just go on and write. Maybe someone will understand.

I’m not about to say that this year is a bad year because there has been worth, but somehow I feel tired. I’m good but at the same time I’m not sure if I am.
All I wanna do is art. — Of course no one ever said it was going to be easy and I’m not complaining about the fact that nothing happens overnight.
Probably I should be grateful. I got a side job, one that I can’t complain about, so that in the meantime I can focus on doing what I love and working on various projects.
You know this feeling of working against yourself instead of moving forward?
It feels like I am stuck. Stuck in … overthinking? Maybe. It sounds weird but all I wanna do is create art, write poems and stories, edit videos, share it with the world. I want to spent time in nature without having to worry about every detail I should to in the meantime. All I want is to live. Have fun and work to live instead of living to work, as a friend described it well last week. Can you understand what that means?
I am not unhappy, just probably unfulfilled and it kind of sucks. Confusion sucks.
I’m sharing this because somehow maybe I hope that I’m not alone feeling this way.
23. A friend from the academy which we both went to and I had a discussion shortly after graduating about how even the thought of having to work in a regular job kind of pulls us down. If you love what you’re doing than you’ll have enough reasons to love your job, right? Sure. It’s just about finding the things that you love. So why am I stuck? Again all I want is to create and enjoy life even when the brain is kicking in really hard. This year is so weird because I know what I want but also it seems like I don’t.
It’s not like I don’t want to work and again I should be grateful, because there has been progresses over the year. They clearly are visible. But at the same time it feels like I’ve locked myself up in cage, lost the keys and can’t get out of it any more. I want to work for something that has meaning to me, for something that makes sense. Nothing makes me happier than spending days on an artwork to see people interpret it in so many ways, to them smile or even cry and how it even helps them go through hard times.

When captured birds grow wiser, they try to open the cage with their beaks. They don’t give up, because they want to fly again. ~ Masashi Kishimoto (Author of Naruto)

When I was younger this quote inspired me a lot and it still does. Though somehow it feels harder than thought. What is keeping me from moving?
I’m sure I will make it and maybe I have to go through this to grow, still it sucks not to be sure what is going on with oneself. Is anyone here reading this experiencing similar feelings? (If you feel in a similar way than know that you are not alone.)
Does anyone even understand the problem hiding behind those words?

What was the point writing this blog post. Who knows?
Anyway this is it for today. Have a great day! ♥